books and blogs can be bad for beginnings

“She’s got to the part of the book where I’m talking about my original plans in Latin America to enjoy the local culture, including having fun with the women there. Obviously, she’s freaking out.” (p.400)

When I decided to publish a book detailing some of my most personal moments, I knew I’d be creating some awkward situations for myself. It’s one thing to have friends know more about you, or for complete strangers to read about your life and learn some lessons while being entertained. But when a girl is just getting to know you intimately, books and blogs often spell trouble.

love: one word, endless interpretations

“I’m not even sure if I’ve ever really been deeply in love. I’ve definitely cared deeply about some girls and felt a connection, but nothing so profound that it felt bigger than life.” (p.43)

“I ran over to her and pulled her out of the line while turning her around and kissing her before saying, “I love you” (it was the only time I ever used those words with her).” (p.53)

“[11:57] she spit the ‘L’ word out today in reference to me
[11:58] yeah, it’s pretty quick to be saying that
[12:01] but i’ve heard the exact same words from so many girls in diverse  cultures and situations, and i think it meant something completely different to each one
[12:03] i’ve had women (not prostitutes) in africa and asia say it only minutes after meeting me, and it sometimes meant that they simply wanted to

weak vs strong: confusing self-confidence with insecurity

“Before I get to know someone well, I find it’s often the same characteristic that attracts me to both weak and strong people; they both command a lot of attention when they’re in a room, and people gravitate towards them. The difference, which takes time to recognize, is that the weak person needs the attention to feel good about herself, and the strong person does not; it’s others who often feed off of her energy.” (p. 42)

instinct: trust or treason?

“When I’ve listened to my instincts in the past and let the girls I was involved with know rather quickly why we wouldn’t work as a couple, they usually respected me (after a short period of pain) for being honest before they became too attached. And with the sexual tension and curiosity out of the way, we were free to transform our attraction and chemistry into something deeper on a platonic level (these girls have become some of my best friends).” (p.408)

commitment part 1: walk the walk

“In trying not to make the same mistakes we’ve made in the past, we’ll make new mistakes along the way, and that’s ok. I don’t want to give up. I want to try to support you and see where things arrive for us, one way or another. But for me to do that, I need to know that you’re really committed to trying things a different way too. If we want to get to know each other, then that’s where I want to put my energy. If I’m going to give and share, I need to get the same thing in return.” (p.44)

I’ve had some incredible replies to my ‘new relationships‘ and ‘feelings‘ posts, and the original messages have been taken in so many different, important, and interlinked directions, that it’s hard to follow up with one clear idea. So for this post, I’ll start out with a number of thoughts in point form, that (hopefully) come together with a clear statement.

New relationships: definition for disaster

“In my mind, we’ve already crossed the friendship bridge into something that includes romance, and I can’t pretend we don’t share this attraction or experience (I’m longing for the moment when I can feel your soft lips again). But I’m not interested in making this the focus of our conversations

feelings: why do women lie?

“[12:25] she started attacking me verbally, said the stuff she said about wanting to see me, feeling romantic, it’s just her getting caught up in my sweet words
[12:25] and that she doesn’t feel anything between us
[12:26] she tried to cut off ties again, saying she won’t write to me while telling me not to send any emails for the next month…
[12:31] i can listen to her, but when someone’s feelings for me are that much in doubt, when she can’t be sure about that fundamental thing and needs to attack it constantly, it makes it very hard to feel like i should be listening to everything else…

passion: is too much too soon a bad thing?

“When I meet somebody for the first time, I’m extremely open-minded. I feel that any encounter has the potential to turn into something romantic, platonic, familial; it just takes time to figure out which one it will be…

“A good friend pointed out yesterday that my strong personality and confident vision mixed with the passion I display when doing things will often be attractive to the people I meet, and make them feel special without me trying to do so. The attention and interest I show can make feelings seem very intense for others.” (p. 42)

everyday adventure: the answer is yes

“I went to the movies ALONE today (happy?), and I was thinking about you a lot: the main character has to say ‘yes’ to anything asked of him, and he ends up having a lot of fun and success thanks to his new openness.

“I started relating this theme to us: we both want to have fun together, but we haven’t often been able to. A big reason for this is because you aren’t able to say ‘yes’ to a lot of things right now, even if you want to;

revenge: turn a negative into a positive

“I told her we were both suffering because of him, and if she wants real revenge, the best thing she can do is be happy in a relationship with somebody else.” (p.359)

In a comment conversation about forgiving, Wildcherries talks about having sought out revenge in the heat of the moment, by doing something to hurt the person who had hurt her: almost immediately, she started to feel guilty, rather than feeling any sense of relief.

befriend or not befriend: that is the question

“I let her know rather quickly that I needed the weekend to figure out where I was going, because it wasn’t healthy for me to stay in the house with her anymore. After talking a bit about it, she understood and agreed, making suggestions as to where I could go. I let her know I’d likely leave the country, only coming back to transit through the airport to London. She was surprised to hear this, but again, we were able to talk rationally.

forgiving part 3: feelings don’t change over night

In my post entitled ‘forgiving part 2: the onus is on us’, I figure out (with the help of my readers) that forgiving has nothing to do with the other person’s ability to say sorry, and it is the act of forgiveness that frees us from our past. In reading Wildcherries’ comments, whose feelings are very fresh at the moment, I reflected further to bring a more complete picture to this process.

forgiving part 2: the onus is on us

In my first post about forgiving, I asked my readers to share their thoughts about how to forgive someone who is not able to say they are sorry, and may not even understand what, why, or how they have caused harm. Some of my readers came through with comments that have helped me clear my own confusion and point of view.

forgiving: recognition must come first

“I’ve been looking back at everything that’s happened, and I’ve forgiven for everything that’s forgivable. There are things between us that don’t work at this moment, in this setting, which may or may not work if we were in a different country and a different environment; in re-evaluating things, I’m not using those types of conflicts to determine whether or not I stay or go right now…

there’s nothing more human than feeling(s)

“I had wondered for years if I was capable of ‘loving’ someone, or if all of my relationships would end because I couldn’t reciprocate the sentiments that girls felt for me. Everyone was telling me I must be in love with her to travel overseas to see her, but in my mind, it just seemed like the logical thing to do. It wasn’t until we were on the train waiting to say goodbye that my emotions finally hit me. That was the first time a girl actually saw me cry.” (p. 51)

closure: some answers don’t need to be questioned

“I sometimes ask myself if the only reason she’s the only girl that I don’t have proper closure with, whom I still wonder about from time to time, is because we never had the opportunity to spend more than a couple of weeks together in the same place and find out what it’s really like to be with each other.” (p. 55)

ending relationships: is there no going back?

“I’m not someone who stays with a girl to not be alone. And I wouldn’t want any complications from being involved with the wrong person when I meet the right one… I’m not interested in putting that time and energy into more than one person at a time. It doesn’t make sense to me, based on the (rather idealistic) view that every relation should have the opportunity to develop on its own merit without outside influence or interference.” (p. 43)

words and meanings can be miles apart

“Risa and I went out to meet some of her friends for tea yesterday, and there was one conversation I found very curious. Risa was talking about her brother’s relationship: his girlfriend confessed she likes her boyfriend more than he likes her, and in declaring this to his father, the father’s now happy with her. I couldn’t understand. Was he relieved the relationship isn’t too serious for his son? I asked, and Risa explained that in saying this, it means the girl will do lots of things to take care of her boyfriend, which in turn makes his parents feel relaxed.

roses are red, valentines are blue

“We had an almost-perfect holiday despite her losing her wallet with all of her money, credit cards and passport in it (she was able to get a letter from the Italian embassy in order to return home). It was a lot of fun going shopping, buying her beautiful lingerie, leather boots, bags and just about anything else she wanted to try on.

emotional abuse: easier said than done

“I was talking with Mega last night, and I realized something when I made a statement about everybody’s past affecting them, whether they want to admit it or not: when you talk very negatively to me and judge me, it’s subconsciously reminding me of the relationship I had with my family, when they would verbally abuse me on a daily basis; I felt unloved by the people I was always supposed to be able to count on and trust.

love ain’t a chooser’s game

I didn’t think I’d be venturing into this topic like this, but two different people have forced me to reflect on it recently:

Getting Involved: Act 1 Takes 2

I hear a lot of people saying things like, “I would never date someone I work with,” or “Meeting someone online isn’t a serious means of starting something.” Yet much of today’s population spend the majority of their time interacting through these two channels, so why limit your opportunities with these mental barriers?

Advice: how much is too much?

It can be hard to make sense of things in the middle of an emotional moment, and the people around us are usually all too willing to share their perspectives. This can sometimes complicate things further, as hearing others’ opinions can influence our own thoughts and reactions. So how do we decide when to listen to our hearts, and when to accept the advice of others? Having a method to extract the essence of their ideas can definitely help.

Are you willing to pay the price?

Why is it so hard to be happy when we find someone who fits the rare profile (we say) we’ve always been looking for? Maybe the cost of realizing dreams is too much?

About Life. – before you share

This link will take you to the ‘About Life.’ introduction.