“In my mind, we’ve already crossed the friendship bridge into something that includes romance, and I can’t pretend we don’t share this attraction or experience (I’m longing for the moment when I can feel your soft lips again). But I’m not interested in making this the focus of our conversations (though I won’t let you forget about my affection for you). I don’t want to talk about or define whether we’re friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, or anything else (I haven’t called anyone my girlfriend since high school). We are what we are: two people who care about each other.” (p.44)
In my ‘feelings: why do women lie‘ post and comments, we see how many different thoughts and ideas can be affecting a woman’s words when she may tell her partner that she doesn’t want to continue the relationship (we’re not talking here about somebody spitting out those types of words in a fit of rage during an argument, but about a constant, confusing message of non-interest in the early stages of a relationship). In my ‘fu¢k-buddies and nothing more?‘ post, we see how difficult it can be for women to stop their emotions and feelings from changing when they get involved in a strictly physical relationship with someone. And when it comes to men’s feelings, we see that they are more capable of controlling their emotions; what often determines how open we leave ourselves is the definition a relationship is given from the onset.
In my experiences, I’ve found that women often need to create a verbal definition of a relationship very early on: ‘it’s just sex’; ‘I’m not looking for anything serious’; ‘I’m really into you and want to know where this is going’; ‘I don’t care about you, stop wasting my time’; ‘I just want to be friends’; etc.
I try to remain open minded and not put too much emphasis on these definitions, but for many guys, when a woman tells us what she wants from us, we try to give that, and only that to her; if she changes her mind a week or a month later after really getting to know us, and wants to redefine the relationship, it may be a struggle for us to change course after going in with a different mindset, and we may even feel betrayed.
Defining a relationship in its early stages creates limitations, not clarity. For me, I think it’s very important not to try to control or suppress our feelings, but to state clearly that we are interested in someone, and need time together to get to know each other, enjoy the company, and see where the chemistry and compatibility leads. This type of honesty allows a guy to open up his emotional side to his partner without worrying that he’s breaking any rules, and women can feel more comfortable letting their partner know how their feelings are changing, without having to mask them with defense mechanisms; emotional interaction can become a real conversation, rather than being left at the mercy of insecurities.
In theory, this makes a lot of sense to me, but in practice, it usually creates a lot of drama, as both men and women aren’t used to being so open about their feelings and needs, preferring to hide them behind a predefined label. But what do you think? Can jointly defining a new relationship as a connection worth exploring (and then giving ourselves time to explore it with an open mind) allow honesty to conquer confusion and disappointment, and help a relationship endure?
Life. - Not All Men Are Monsters - Sex. Travel. Food. Life. - Brian Johnston 
As you said… in theory, I agree with you about exploring a new relationship as a connection rather than place a definition on it.
However, as I mentioned in the comment to your post ‘Why do women lie?’, many women ( and I actually know some men) are unsure of their partners earlier on in a relationship. Questions like where is this going, are our way of asking if this relationship is exclusive or are you also having another connection in your spare time. Other statements like ‘this is just sex’, ‘I just want to be friends’, might mean the person isn’t ready for a relationship at that time. I like you as a person but right now, I cannot see us hanging out all the time. Or sometimes, it could mean that the person has just come out of a relationship and needs time to clear her thoughts and feelings before jumping into another one. It is almost like a verbal contract and a prep talk. With time to know each other, it is inevitable that feelings change, sometimes in totally different directions. That doesn’t mean the woman is trying to trick you. It just means feelings have evolved over time, and all the emotions, logic, hormones and uncertainty for the man have more time to work their tricks. Defining a relationship provides some invisible security and structure for some, ie. ‘I am not being taken for a ride’, ‘ I can still have the sex till I am ready for another relationship and won’ be crossing any line’. It is a verbal (and hopefully emotional ) agreement that we are on the same page and maybe we can continue the relationship with a peace of mind. It all sounds so mathematical, unromantic and not raunchy at all. In fact we seem to be going about things the wrong direction, ‘signing’ the insurance contract before knowing the terms and conditions. However, if the person of your interest was someone you would want to have a relationship with, saying you just want to see how it all leads to instead of placing a definition on it may just make you come across as a flippant player (or non-committal), especially if he/she doesn’t know you well. Or if one is only interested in something sexual or platonic, not wanting to define it will just look like you are secretly planning means to woo the person into something more romantic.
Sadly, we all have some level of suspicion for our own species. My romantic and naïve side would love to say love, trust and passion would conquer all, but the cynical battled ugly sister in me will always wonder the intentions of the frogs (or potential prince) who come along.
Ideally, we should all give way to our feelings and just flow with the happy hormones going on right now. But if that has been that easy, we won’t be discussing on ‘Why do women lie’ blog then…
Jointly defining a relationship as a connection is possible in my mind; it doesn’t make our emotions or intentions any lesser but it takes a lot of communication, care, sensitivity and reciprocation to the other person’s changing emotions at all times and a lot of honesty and trust. It is not just going to be a conversation, it should be an undertaking carried throughout the process of the relationship. Realistically, can we say we have always covered these grounds?
Thanks SW. I’ll be referring to a lot of your comments in my next post, but for now, I want to stress that I’m suggesting that the clear definition you’re looking for can be an agreement that two people have a connection worth exploring, and they want to get to know each other to see if it may evolve into something more serious later on, or something that fizzles out. This gives the woman her invisible security or ‘contract’, while the guy doesn’t close off his feelings.
If the suspicion and lack of trust is there from the beginning, it probably doesn’t matter what type of ‘agreement’ is reached, or how honest the partner is or seems. And that insecurity alone is enough to prevent us from getting to know someone else, or from wanting to..