“I’m not even sure if I’ve ever really been deeply in love. I’ve definitely cared deeply about some girls and felt a connection, but nothing so profound that it felt bigger than life.” (p.43)
“I ran over to her and pulled her out of the line while turning her around and kissing her before saying, “I love you” (it was the only time I ever used those words with her).” (p.53)
“[11:57] she spit the ‘L’ word out today in reference to me
[11:58] yeah, it’s pretty quick to be saying that
[12:01] but i’ve heard the exact same words from so many girls in diverse cultures and situations, and i think it meant something completely different to each one
[12:03] i’ve had women (not prostitutes) in africa and asia say it only minutes after meeting me, and it sometimes meant that they simply wanted to fuck (i’ve said it back knowing it was the password into their pants), while in other instances it was as serious as honestly wanting to marry me
[12:05] i can’t understand why people attach so much importance to hearing those three little words. i need to feel the sentiments, not talk about them (p.59, 60)
“You asked if it’s strange for you to finish your message with ‘love’: I don’t think it’s strange, but I’m curious to know what it means to you when you write that.” (p.87)
“I snuck online for a minute, just to say I love you.” (p.151)
“When we were apart, I think I started to say ‘I love you’ because it was obvious how important hearing those words was to you. You pointed out at dinner with your friends the other night that the concept of love is often more profound in the West, with a deeper feeling and significance attached to it than here.. (you don’t even have an equivalent word or phrase in the dictionary, using the same idea for liking/loving a person, or liking a piece of fruit). (p.240, 241)
“Every single day, I see new ways that we’re compatible as partners and human beings. I’ve never been so happy in such a well-rounded relationship: physical attraction, mental and intellectual attraction, creative attraction and respect, a commitment to grow together, fired by passion, desire and a strong feeling towards you that cannot be described with words. For me, maybe this is what it means to be, for the first time in my life, truly falling in love.” (p.241)
“As quickly as I was falling in love with you, I can now feel myself falling out.” (p.260)
“She said she thinks she likes me less. I asked since when. She maintained her feelings changed a couple weeks ago when we had our first fight. I asked her why then, only five days ago, did she tell me she loved me. She said she did love me (a week after the fight) but doesn’t now, and she wasn’t completely sure of her feelings when she said it either.” (p.281)
In the comments to my post entitled “there’s nothing more human than feelings“, Mire challenges my qualifications/ability to write about love and relationships, because, to paraphrase, she felt that I was incapable of clearly defining what love has meant to me, and that the feeling of love seems to be a missing ingredient in my analytical posts.
This challenge lead to some great conversation, and I spent a lot of time trying to clarify her questions in my mind (it’s always easier to do when you’re not in an emotional state). In the end, after reflecting on all of my intimate relationships, all of the confusion that comes with different cultures, desires, expectations, indecision, etc, I recognized that I have never used the words ‘I love you’ as an adult to express my own feelings; any time I’ve said it, it was because my partner had defined their meaning of the words for me, and I was using it based on their understanding of what it meant (aside from a couple times when it may have slipped out unexpectedly during an emotional, nostalgic moment).
The last three novel excerpts posted above are somewhat symbolic of what I will call my personal definition of love. For me, it’s not an individual’s feeling, but a feeling shared between two people. It should run deeper than the infatuation, the lust, and the uncontrollable emotional attachments that must also be there (but cannot be defined with words). And it must not be clouded with constant doubt:
When I one day meet someone and we can imagine ourselves spending our lives with each other; when we feel we can be accepted by each other for who we are; when we start to realize our potential by compromising and accepting a unified vision for our future, while both of us are working actively to make ourselves and each other happy; and when we are genuinely happy together; I can envision myself having an ultimate sense of peace and unity as a couple, that I would call love.
I have never experienced that type of certainty in a relationship, and once I find it, I don’t see why I would ever want to give it up.
Life. - Not All Men Are Monsters - Sex. Travel. Food. Life. - Brian Johnston 
Peace,
I wonder if certainty is a much loftier goal than expected. I’ve even known some people to despise the very notion of certainty — and I can say that there was obviously some old damage done there that can’t be fixed.
And yes, I will definitely be checking out that book.
Peace
Thanks for the comments. Not sure if I’m understanding 100% (because ‘lofty’ has two different meanings that kind of contradict each other), but I’d say that complacency is probably more important than certainty for many people..
Peace,
I think I agree with your stance that complacency is coveted more. I suspect I said what I did then was based on the fact people fear the finality of things or the impending doom (which can be worked out via an effort between the parties).