commitment part 1: walk the walk

“In trying not to make the same mistakes we’ve made in the past, we’ll make new mistakes along the way, and that’s ok. I don’t want to give up. I want to try to support you and see where things arrive for us, one way or another. But for me to do that, I need to know that you’re really committed to trying things a different way too. If we want to get to know each other, then that’s where I want to put my energy. If I’m going to give and share, I need to get the same thing in return.” (p.44)

I’ve had some incredible replies to my ‘new relationships‘ and ‘feelings‘ posts, and the original messages have been taken in so many different, important, and interlinked directions, that it’s hard to follow up with one clear idea. So for this post, I’ll start out with a number of thoughts in point form, that (hopefully) come together with a clear statement.

Before continuing, I really recommend going back to read all the comments in the posts mentioned above, as they are often longer than my original messages:

– Commitment is not in the words (saying I’m committed or not committed), it’s linked with our actions.

– Being suspicious, not trusting someone, trying to protect ourselves from being hurt; these emotions early on usually come from past experiences, not the person we’ve just met, but when we project them onto our new partner, we judge them, confuse them, and create a sense of insecurity.

– It’s very hard to do, but if we know that there is something holding us back from committing certain things, it’s better to let our partner know honestly, rather than pretend the problem isn’t there. And if we do want to get to know someone, we shouldn’t mask our interest by pushing them away.

– We’re more likely to understand the blunt truth, no matter how revealing or hurtful it may be. A partner who repeatedly confuses with indirect statements and detours in the early stages of a relationship is actually pushing the other person away, rather than attracting them.

– When we barely know someone, the challenges they create for a healthy relationship may not be worth the fight. We need time to get to know someone, and find out if we’re compatible, and this is a very important first stage of commitment, without too much pressure put on long-term securities.

– We often ask others to give what we our not willing to give ourselves, whether it’s time, dedication, emotional involvement, physical pleasures; we need to be willing to equally give what we want to receive.

This may all sound sensible, but how often do we actually do the sensible thing? I’ll leave these ideas open for comments, before continuing with this subject (and how it plays a central theme in my novel,) in commitment part 2..