“When I’ve listened to my instincts in the past and let the girls I was involved with know rather quickly why we wouldn’t work as a couple, they usually respected me (after a short period of pain) for being honest before they became too attached. And with the sexual tension and curiosity out of the way, we were free to transform our attraction and chemistry into something deeper on a platonic level (these girls have become some of my best friends).” (p.408)
In my ‘dirty girl dilemma‘ post, ‘Dee Licious’ says that she can “generally know in the first 15 minutes of meeting” someone if she is interested in having a relationship with them. To some, this may seem a bit quick to be making such a conclusion, almost as if we are being judged before we have the chance to get to know the other person. But from another perspective, I completely agree that our gut feeling about a person or situation is often more sensible than the other forces that may guide our decisions (such as physical attraction, horniness, loneliness, or peer pressure/influence).
In Not All Men Are Monsters, one of the biggest questions I ask myself is whether I was wrong in the past to have trusted my early perceptions of the people I was involved with (and if this was the reason I had not been in any ‘normal’ relationships that endured). I contemplated the idea that I had maybe not tried enough to make past situations work when I saw what I thought to be an irreparable road block in the relationship, and that if I had given more time and effort, these differences may have been overcome. Investigating that single set of doubt in me is what lead to the experiences, self-reflection, pain, and growth that’s been intimately shared as a novel.
When we look back on all of our relationships, we (hopefully) see that each one had a unique set of circumstances and chemistry, and almost always in my case, I’ve had ethnic/cultural (mis)understandings and traditions adding yet another layer to the process of getting to know someone. Still, in almost every intimate relationship that didn’t work out, I can honestly say that my initial reservations were validated as I got to know the other person better, and to have denied my instincts would have meant lying to myself.
For me, I think those first fifteen minutes (or more) of conversation with someone can tell us a lot about our personalities and compatibilities, and listening to that little voice telling us whether something is wrong or right is much better than ignoring it, and maybe trying to force something to work unnaturally.
It may take longer to be certain, but I do believe that the faster we share those doubts, whether they’re small incompatibilities or fundamental differences in values or ways of living, the less heartache (and headaches) we’ll have, and the better our chances of transforming whatever chemistry is there into something that can continue platonically as friends.
Life. - Not All Men Are Monsters - Sex. Travel. Food. Life. - Brian Johnston 
Yes, I think that the the first 15 minutes are enough to feel if I will get on or not with a person. And I would say I can also foresee the type of relationship, without never mistaking.
But, I don’t think it’s a « sixth sens » or a « magic stuff » we have. On the contrary, it’s this first feeling that will determine our behaviour toward the person and thus, the relationship to follow.
Obviously, if I am suspicious with someone or whatever negative, it will lead to a negative relation. If I am pleasant, there is a strong possibility that we become friends.
We just have to be cautious of not being influenced by a comment or a critic we have heard about the person we first meet. We can miss a good occasion!
And about the love relationships, I personnally consider that we can decide to make it work or not. The first feelings are not controlled, it’s chemistry as Brian says, and we go towards people we feel good with.
But after some times, I thing it’s a choice: do we want to resolve the problems we have and we will keep having to stay with him/her or do we choose to change.
It’up to each one.
Perhaps I have not enough experiences in that field and I may mistake thinking that there is a part of choice;
I would be glad to have your opinions on that…
Great points Mary! You’ve actually touched on the subjects of my next two blog entries, so I’ll keep my comments to a minimum here. 🙂
I like your words about not getting influenced by other people’s comments or judgments about someone before we meet them. No matter how hard we try, those types of thoughts do often remain in our head, even if it’s something like “What was so and so talking about, I think this person is great!”
I’d also say that there can be an internal struggle between the chemistry or feeling that one may want to act on, and the suspicions/negativity/meeting a great person at the wrong time (emotionally or for whatever other reason)/etc. When we find ourselves with that type of situation, we don’t know who or what to listen to, and life can be very confusing.
With your comments on the love relationships, I’d say that we can decide to make efforts and compromises from our own side, which should help make a relationship work, but we can’t make the same choice for the other person, and it definitely takes both people’s efforts to make it happen.
Thanks again for sharing, really appreciate it!