“Before I get to know someone well, I find it’s often the same characteristic that attracts me to both weak and strong people; they both command a lot of attention when they’re in a room, and people gravitate towards them. The difference, which takes time to recognize, is that the weak person needs the attention to feel good about herself, and the strong person does not; it’s others who often feed off of her energy.” (p. 42)
To start, I have to say that if I could re-write the thoughts I was expressing above, I would replace the words ‘weak’ and ‘strong’, which seem a bit too harsh, with ‘self-confident’ and ‘self-conscious’ or ‘insecure’.
In my ‘instinct‘ comments, Mary follows up my post on the impact of our initial impressions of a person by saying that it’s our “first feeling that will determine our behaviour toward the person and thus, the relationship to follow.” For me, that first impression will certainly reveal any attraction, chemistry and interest, but before I can foresee a future with someone, I need time to figure out if the person is self-confident or insecure.
To do that, I need to see and hear the person interacting with others after I’ve had a conversation and felt some type of ‘click’: does she have that same sparkle in her eye with everyone, or was it exclusive to me; if it is there with others, does it get bigger as more attention is showered on her, or does it come as a result of a passion for the things she’s talking about, which can’t be hidden? These observations let me put my own first impression into context, and replace (at least a small amount of) any infatuation I may have had with a healthier dose of reality.
Beyond the above point, any other specific examples I give may end up sounding superficial, as my mind tends to be gravitating to the most extreme situations of a self-confident or self-conscious person. In reality, we all have aspects of our lives where we feel super confident, strong, and in control, while other situations leave us feeling vulnerable, self-conscious, and even weak; this is a normal part of living, and not something that should be used to judge someone and determine whether we want to be with them in the first minutes or days of knowing them.
What does help me decide whether or not to get involved with someone, is as I get to know them, do I feel that they’re generally comfortable in their own skin, maybe even comfortable with their vulnerabilities and whatever baggage they may be carrying, or do they continue to dwell on the tough breaks and heartaches they’ve gone through (or try to mask them with a superficial skin that won’t fool anyone in the long run), rather than try to work through the challenges by focusing their energy on new positive experiences; not hiding high and low moments, but sharing them openly at the opportune time (which in a young relationship, is usually when we’re calm, rather than emotional or intimate). If not, the lows usually come out in the worst of ways, and are more evident than if they weren’t locked up inside.
To be able to do that, admitting that we’re not perfect rather than trying to impress, is something that exudes self-confidence, in my opinion, and when two people can find each other in that same state of mind, there’s a better chance for insecurities to lose their fight to destroy the best we have to offer, and for us to truly get to know the person we’re interested in.
Life. - Not All Men Are Monsters - Sex. Travel. Food. Life. - Brian Johnston 
Very insightful!
thanks! be sure to read my other posts, they’re all interlinked in one way or another! and i love looking through the fashion photos in your blog, it’s like flipping through the best pages of a big magazine!
good stuff
-Mike, http://somebodyhadtosayit.com
thanks, i’m really enjoying your take on all sorts of stuff through your blog!
As always, a piece of blog that emphasised on honesty in a relationship which I heartily agree. And as you said, to give any examples on any self-confident or self-conscious person may sound superficial and to me, it would certainly be unfair.
I feel a person’s self-confidence could be (mis)interpreted in many different ways. Certainly, how well a person’s life at the current time is going will affect them and how they portray themselves. Everyone has a first impression of anyone they meet but is that a fair judge? When I click with a person, I will say I often find traits that do not agree with me. A first-meeting ‘self-confidence’ could be due to work going smoothly and having a couple of good night out that week. That ‘sparkle’ in the eye could just be a week gone happily. That doesn’t mean a person is any more confident within than the next person.
Quite a few times in my life, a person I didn’t click with the first time round turns out to be some of my good friends. These people are often the seemingly shy or self-conscious ones in the corner but often need to be probed out of their shell to be quite lively on one-to-one basis. Many of these people are just quite happy to be a wallflower in the crowd but not necessarily unconfident.
One of the things that is important to me is the person’s ability to listen, process the information, understand and his ability to reach out to me. I usually test the person’s above abilities with some passing information. This is not covering up vulnerabilities nor is it about being secretive. This is about being open in the past and come out of the conversations feeling I am speaking to a telephone machine. So when it comes to the next person, experience tells me if the little information given is not met with an appropriate amount of understanding and attempting to see things from my point of view, I retract emotionally. This will be filed at the back of my mind that this person is not one I could connect with emotionally or be open to, no matter how much we are connected in other aspects.
The timing you meet your partner is crucial to your relationship. Are they dwelling on a recent relationship or one that has been several months ago? Dwelling on a recent ex does not seem to me as negative. In fact, NOT dwelling on a recent ex-relationship will just spell a cold person. I believe in stuffing myself in self-pity for several days/weeks and then charge through life with new vigour. It is just like going on a diet only when you are ready. There is no point in going on one when you are not ready because you are most likely going to fail or get fatter. Not talking about it might not signify masking up true feelings. It may just be a matter of her still trying to work it out in her head. What you should be asking then is should you have given her some time to clean up her thoughts to receive you with a clear mind. Through the process, you might see a stronger woman emerging ready for life again. And in the process, you will be appreciated as a patient friend who has withstand the test of time instead of putting her on emotional overdraft. But of course if she is still dwelling on a relationship several months ago, um, run?
The next time we feel our partners have not been open to us, we should ask ourselves what was our reaction the last time they tried confiding in us. Were we being understanding or did we think we were? Similarly were we being open to them or has it all been lost in transit?
For once, I have nothing to say other than thanks for continuing to share! 🙂
Why viewers still use to read news papers when in this technological world the whole thing is existing on web?